Football Transfer Rumours: Lionel Messi To Manchester City?

Manchester City are scheduling an shocking spectacular act. No, they’re not going to give Yaya Touré a second official birthday, like the Qu...

Manchester City are scheduling an shocking spectacular act. No, they’re not going to give Yaya Touré a second official birthday, like the Queen, to make the Ivorian, who’s been performing a fine impression of a sad trout for the past month, just a smidgin better off and more likely to run around a bit and not get bossed by players such as Lucas Leiva. No, something even more shocking, reader. What? No, they’re not going to promote a locally-born youth player into their first team either.

Don’t be daft. What they are going to do, of course, is spend the GDP of a small nation to invoke the spirit of Surprise Surprise by reuniting Pep Guardiola and Lionel Messiat the club next season, perhaps with Bob Carolgees and Spit The Dog overseeing the gooey moment when Pep’s proud eyes fill with tears as Messi does a couple of stepovers and stumbles into his former manager’s warm embrace in the Etihad centre-circle while dancers do the sardana around them and a richly-tanned, heavy-set man with a moustache plays a shawm. Yes, that.

Is Lionel Messi set to run right into the warm embrace of Pep Guardiola at Manchester City next season? Photograph: Action Press/Rex Shutterstock

Well, that’s if City have any money left to hire Carolgees. Or a shawm player, for that matter. Because it says here that Messi would cost the club £800,000 a week in wages. That’s £800,000. A week. Yup. A Spanish radio station reckons that Pep, who is in the final year of his Bayern Munich contract and has yet to sign an extension, has already agreed to join City. He feels he’s learnt enough in Germany and wants to give his huge football brain a more taxing challenge. And on the subject of tax, apparently, that’s one of the reasons Messi would be open to a move to north-west England. The Catalan courts haven’t been a friend to the Messi family recently. Manchester even has a bar called Barça. In Catalan Square. How’s that sound Pep? It’s a place where “You can actually enjoy a conversation and find a seat,” according to one reviewer. Surely that’s the deal breaker. Right, let’s move on.

Manchester City are scheduling an shocking spectacular act. No, they’re not going to give Yaya Touré a second official birthday, like the Queen, to make the Ivorian, who’s been performing a fine impression of a sad trout for the past month, just a smidgin better off and more likely to run around a bit and not get bossed by players such as Lucas Leiva. No, something even more shocking, reader. What? No, they’re not going to promote a locally-born youth player into their first team either. Around this time last season Cesc Fábregas and Diego Costa were so utterly compelling for Chelsea that everyone was talking about them. At the same time last season absolutely no one was talking about Mousa Dembélé and Jamie Vardy. Now, Chelsea want them to replace Fábregas and Costa. That’ll be the winds of change you can feel blowing down the Kings Road. But before they nip in with bids for them they’ll try to snaffle the Croatian Jamie Vardy, Nikola Kalinic, who’s scored 10 goals in nine games for Fiorentina. He also has experience of playing in England with Blackburn Rovers, where he spent three seasons running around waving his arms about never being passed the ball between 2009 and 2011.

Ravel Morrison’s Italian adventure has ended pretty much like everybody in the world thought it would. He’s on his way back from Lazio to England, with a return to QPR, where Neil Warnock is set to be announced as manager until the end of the season, a possibility.

Tottenham and West Hambeancounters are flexing their muscles in front of Torino centre-back Nikola Maksimovic, with both clubs confident that shoving £12m through the letterbox at Stadio Olimpico di Torino will lead to the club’s chairman, Urbano Cairo, pushing the player out of the front door.

Garry Monk might want to put The Monkees song (I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone on the changing-room ghetto blaster at Anfield at the weekend to get the message across to André Ayew that when Liverpool come calling in January, they’d like him to stay just a little bit longer at Swansea. He could even help them stay up.

And Eddie Howe’s a fan of reunions too. He wants to send £6m the way of Crystal Palace for Dwight Gayle, who he hopes will remind his former strike partner at Selhurst Park, Glenn Murray, how to stay fit and score goals again atBournemouth.

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